in retrospect... dicker and deal blind dates & being hit on by 50 year old men...

The following texts were sent by my mother on Friday afternoon:

mama: shelb?
mama: hey do you wanna go on a blind date?
mama: his name is juan gonzales (this is not his real name)
mama: he works for the FBI
mama: i'm serious he showed me his ID
me: huh?
mama: he's good looking
mama: he has muscles
mama: he's a nice guy ok
mama: i thought he was salim's relative but he's not arabic, he's latino
me: would you freaking stop hyper texting and consolodate some of these texts i can't keep up
mama: hold on he's going to send you his picture
me: whaaaaaat?!!?
FBI: [picture]
me: mama, seriously? are you kidding me?
mama: what?  he's even christian
me: oh my god.  where are you?
mama: dicker and deal
me: ok this conversation is over


Dicker & Deal
In order to really understand what's going on in the above conversation, besides the fact that my mom met some random man who works for the FBI and tried to set me up with him, you need to understand something about Dicker & Deal.  Imagine a 50+ year old woman who doesn't drink but loves to barter and resell things.  AKA - my mother.  So instead of going to the local pub and having everyone there know her by name, she goes to the local 2nd hand furniture store, where Freddie, Salim and only God knows who else greet her by name and give her blankets when she's sick.  I kid you not, about 5 times out of 10 when I call and ask where she is, she's at Dicker & Deal.  I imagine her bored in her townhouse, looking around for something she could convince them to give her 20 bucks for, just as an excuse to visit her boyfriends at D&D.  The men there know every intimate detail of my life by now I'm sure and their dying wish is to either date me or my sister.  When I told my sister that mama was trying to set me up with some guy she met at Dicker & Deal she frightfully says, "OH MY GOD you are not going to date anyone from Dicker & Deal!!  I will disown you.  Does he have all of his teeth?"

Founders & Being Hit on by 50+ Year Old Men
I've been trying not to care that the only men that seem to find me remotely attractive these days are the same age as my mother.  I went to Founders last weekend because the bands that were playing peeked my interest.  The place was of course, packed and after standing there for about 45 minutes I turned to Anya and asked if it was ok we leave... "my ankle hurts," I said pathetically.  I never heard the band play but when I approached the bar to pay our tab I overheard a few grey haired men, who probably had grand children, make comments about my appearance.  After I dismissed one of their attempts to make conversation, I hear one ask if the other had caught my name. And then of course the, "curly hair is so cute," comment followed.  I b-lined it for the door and grabbed Anya on my way out.

next time this happens... they will all be getting my mother's phone number...

end of story  

falling and alleged copulation and drunkenness... [some lady]

I was out with some co-worker friends the other night, partaking in happy hour, when I received a text from some lady who claims to be my mother.  I no longer have the text, as I accidentally erased it and my mother claims to have lost it on her phone but here is what I can remember:

"Shelb, I hope you are not out having sex or getting drunk because I just fell down the stairs backwards while trying to move some furniture.  Your sister isn't answering the phone either and if I have to call an ambulance they won't even be able to get in here because there's stuff in front of the door.  So you need to call me pronto before I'm dead."

I discovered the text several minutes after she sent it.  Please don't think less of me but it made me laugh uncontrollably for a few minutes before I was able to text her back, all the while picturing her lying with her head towards the bottom of the stairs and trapped between the wall and some piece of furniture.  I was neither intoxicated nor... well, we all know I wasn't doing the latter.  

This is what I imagined:

So I called her, still laughing and asked if she was ok.  She of course thought I was drunk because I was laughing and we all know that I only laugh when intoxicated.  She also did not understand what was so funny.  Anyways, this text was affirmation that I need to document as many of the conversations that I have with my mother as possible.  A friend asked if we communicate outside of facebook because she finds our conversations so entertaining that she doesn't want to miss out on any of them.  Sorry, but yes, we do interact outside of facebook.  I'll try to document some of it, not only for your entertainment but also for my own.

an age old recipe [serious this time]

ladies and gentlemen the recipe has been handed down from generation to generation and always seems to get lost... every year every one is looking for the recipe at Christmas time and no one seems to know where it is and gets in a tizzy searching for it... i have it... in my possession...  the recipe for WALNUT FROSTIES... 

this is a picture of some little piggies that showed up in google images when i searched "walnut frosties"... they are not walnut frosties, they are little piggies with chocolate on their backs, sitting on a plate on a polka dot table cloth...

  

so anyways, here's the recipe... i think my mom and my aunts are really the only ones that want it...

recipes and things to encourage more viewings...

i was telling everyone on fb the other day that i don't understand why i have so few followers on this blog...  a lady suggested i advertise, post recipes, give things away and have cute kids... is the educational and informational content along with unmatched humor not enough??  i don't understand.  why do i need to bribe people?? my friends have cute kids and if you didn't notice i posted a whole series of pictures with two of them a few weeks ago... and also, i was a cute kid and posted a picture of that last week... so anyways, here is a pie that i made one time and a pot of delicious soup.  find the recipes below... 

soup recipe:

chop up a bunch of vegetables

chop up a bunch of fresh cilantro

garlic (duh)

salt to taste

a chicken leg or chicken stock

water 

 cherry pie recipe:

make homemade pie crust

make cherry pie filling

(not from a can, that's just wrong)

bake

snuggle. yes. please.

sometimes.  all.  i.  want.  to.  do.  is.  this.

 (just to clarify, i am not talking about wearing matching clothes with my mom, particularly not pink and white stripes)

[dear mama] -- an update

i am sitting here eating chips