smells & good lies... some tips for the fellows... [Panamerican Dating Tour]

Let me just clarify that I wasn't trying to date anyone last night while visiting the salsa bar but I'm sure there were some men who would have liked to leave with a phone number or two.  Let me also say that a good night to go out and see only about 9 human beings is January 1.  Apparently even though it was Saturday night, everyone thought the seven flakes that fell from the sky were reason enough to stay in.  Or maybe they all just had really bad hang-overs.

Anyways, to my point.  I was sorely disappointed last night, not only with the fact that only 9 people were at the salsa bar but mostly because it seems men have no idea how strong a sense of smell women have.  I was also slightly annoyed by the presence of a certain individual mentioned in previous posts, who farts and might have expressed an interest in fathering my first child and doesn't seem to know how to delete my number from his cell phone.  Ok back to the smells.  I would like to give the gentlemen some inside information on how to NOT impress the ladies.  First, let me explain something I learned in one of my master's level college courses.  Women have a much stronger sense of smell than men.

So here are 3 easy ways to NOT get a second dance, phone number or date with a girl...

1. Wear perfume so strong she nearly gags.
2. Fail to apply deodorant and also cause her to nearly gag by the smell of your body odor.  P.S. Covering this up with strong perfume is definitely a no no.
3. Have bad raunchy breath.

Now let me at least give some of you credit by saying that if you have a great and genuinely charming personality or some highly attractive feature (ie. good sense of humor, nice smile, etc.), one of the above mentioned flaws could be overlooked. 


A Good Lesson Learned... Lying about your Relationship Status
In some circumstances lying is more than acceptable.  I'm not one for lying but last night I discovered the beauty in it.  After years and years of responding honestly about inquiries of my relationship status, I tried lying about it.  It came so easy I don't know why I hadn't tried it before...  


bad breath boy: so are you married? 
me: no
bad breath boy: do you have a boyfriend?
me: yes
bad breath boy: so why isn't he out with you tonight?
me: he's sick
bad breath boy: oh, ok

This response made the whole relationship status conversation so much shorter and less awkward.  Usually they go like this...

some guy: so are you married?
me: no
some guy: do you have a boyfriend?
me: no
some guy: oh why not?
me: umm, i dunno because i don't know any i am interested in dating
some guy: i could be that guy
me: umm, ya i don't think so
some guy: go home with me
me: ya right
some guy: have my babies
me: whaaatttt??  did you just say?!?!?!?!
some guy: you are beautiful
me: um ya thanks
some guy: you have beautiful eyes
me: um ya thank you


ok you get the point...

Tips on Dating: The Panamerican Tour... Do's & Don'ts... [cont'd from previous post]

Ok, so let's be honest the soccer game is over.  This one anyways.  There could be more in the future.  Venezuela won, hands down.  That was obvious in the first post.  However, there is still much advice to be given to Latin men trying to date gringa women and vice versa.  Ladies, don't give your number out to the morons that do the do NOTs.  Trust me, you'll be sorry and googling how to block numbers from your cell phone before you know it.  Here is a do and don't list derived maybe from my imagination and possibly but not necessarily from personal experiences.

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Do: Tell the girl that some day when you get married you will give the wife all of your earnings and only ask for a $200 stipend per month. 

Do NOT: Ask the girl for help figuring out how much of a tip to give to the server.  This indicates that you cannot do basic math and at 32 you still do not know how to tip.  Not impressive.

Do: Insist that your birthday be celebrated for an entire month.

Do NOT: Tag ALL text messages as URGENT with a bright red exclamation point! That's just annoying and stupid.

Do: Be patient, persistent, respectful and intentional.  This is very attractive.

Do NOT: Text and call repeatedly and continue to do so when the girl continues to NEVER respond.

Do: Put a picture given to you by the girl (after insisting that she gives you a birthday present every Monday and Friday for the entire month of your Birthday) on your desk at work, not caring about the ridicule you might receive from passing co-workers who never noticed anything on your desk before.

Do NOT: Keep texting her after she hasn't responded in weeks to any of your URGENT!!!! texts.  

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Ok, I think this concludes today's edition of the Panamerican Dating Tour.  It might be the last, but you never know. 

 

tips on dating: the panamerican tour... a top 10 list of sorts...

10.31.2010
So over the last several weeks I have ate dinner (sushi, lebanese, mexican & other varieties), gone to Chicago, ate lunch, walked around, climbed the Sears Tower (in an elevator), danced some merengue and bachata, drank some wine and other adult beverages and some other things. After consulting with some close friends about these events they informed me that the majority of these activities were dates. I think they base their conclusions on the fact that I have spent little to no money doing any of these things and they usually involved someone of the opposite gender driving me around in their car. I would like to think they are simply activities done with generous men pursuing a fraternal friendship with a cool girl. However, I'm beginning to think that's a slightly unrealistic perspective.

Without going into too much detail and context I would like to share a little bit of what I've learned from these so-called dates and some other non-date encounters with men I refused to give my phone number to but was willing to dance with. I feel the lack of detail and context provide room for you to use your creative imagination. Now, if you are reading this, hoping to get some advice on dating, you should know that average (whatever that is), gringo men never express any interest in me so my experiences are limited mostly to men from Latin America and me, a gringa. I don't know how white men flirt with women, nor do I know exactly what Latina women like or find acceptable. I kind of think of this as a soccer tournament of sorts, thus the titles found below.

Honduras vs. Mexico - 0-0 - many attempts but no goals
10 Things that should not happen within 2 weeks of knowing a girl you might want to see again... including things that should never be translated into English...

10 - Text her once. Then, after she hasn't responded within 10 minutes, text again by saying "hellooooo?!?"
10 1/2 - Say, "que tienes?" whenever there are moments of silence that last more than 11 seconds... this is terribly annoying for introverts and people comfortable not talking
9 - Be over the age of 30 and talk incessantly about losing your temper, disrespecting your supervisor and almost getting into a physical fight.
8 - After buying her a couple of drinks and dancing a few songs with her say, "you be my girl now"
7 - Fart audibly and then, after she calls you a COCHINOOO!!!! (pig in Spanish) say, "it was the sushi just think about something else"
6 - Beg her to stay all night to keep you company after only knowing her for a week. This indicates that you are lonely and pathetic.
5 - Have a blanket on your bed that has a huge panther on it and show it to the girl proudly.
4 - Say you love your television.
3 - Never, ever say things like "you have delicious lips" in English. These types of one liners can only be said in Spanish, unless you are hoping to be laughed at.
2 - After hearing her speak in Spanish with a Dominican accent say (in English), "Where u from? You sound like Dominican lady. I always dream of being with Dominican lady. With you is like all of my dreams coming true." This might have been flattering in Spanish, but probably not.
(insert drum roll)
1 - Say, "I want you to have my children." This is only acceptable after love and long term commitment, such as marriage, has been determined between both parties.

Venezuela vs. the rest of Latinoamerica 2-010 acceptable things to do and say within a few weeks of knowing a girl...
10 - drive a foreign car
9 - invite and pay
8 - say in Spanish, what obviously should never be said in English
7 - offer to help her with home projects/chores such as lawn care
6 - be very interested in what she does for work/leisure
5 - have a really good sense of humor: combination of dry, sarcastic and really random
4 - have fun/creative ideas for activities
3 - be comfortable with silence
2 - tell the girl she is cute, in such a way that you also acknowledge the beauty in her friends
1 - talk about how brilliant and put together women are and how you cannot possibly understand why they are still not ruling the world, while making it very obvious that this is not a pick up line but truly something you have contemplated

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Well, that concludes this edition of the Panamerican Dating Tour. Stay tuned, as much has been left out and much is yet to come and much has been eliminated and edited. Questions and comments may be left in the comment section of this post on this blog. Further detail, context and explanation of certain material is strictly limited to certain parties in order to protect the audacious, bold and shameless Latin men involved and their egos.