one more reason to marry myself... or so i thought...

The answer to so many of my questions was found today in the following sketch...

Though I did actually hear a man once say that he found his ditsy girlfriend's airheadedness endearing, I'm choosing not to sacrifice my intelligence in order to be more approachable.  Another man once stated, in the form of a question, how difficult it was to talk to women.  Confidence and courage are actually attractive traits.  Why would intelligence and a strong will not be considered attractive as well?  We all have our flaws.  Let's try to understand one another... or just marry ourselves.   
 

pathetic, sloth-like slumber... loathing winter...

Today's post is inspired by the following lines from 30 Rock.  Yesterday I got home from my Sunday evening ritual with Sara at Camp Tall Turf around 10:00pm and realized I hadn't watched an episode yet.  30 Rock might just be the only thing keeping me sane this winter.   

Liz: Work is awful. Everyone’s snippy and tense.
Jack: Well the lack of sun makes people depressed. It’s called “seasonal affective disorder.”
Liz: Oh, is that where the word “sad” comes from?
Jack: What? You think “sad” is an acronym invented by psychologists?

I'm currently blaming my cynicism on the below zero temperatures, lack of sunlight and the salt that's ruining my new boots.  This weather leaves me buried beneath my covers for several of my waking hours each day.  I don't think I have ever spent this much time sitting in my bed watching sitcoms and videos on youtube and thinking about the misery that comes with winter.  I sit there fantasizing about riding my bicycle and sweating or going for a run in shorts and a tank top.  I nostalgically look at photos on facebook from warm days gone by either from last summer or my previous life in Latin America, where 'cold' never dropped below fifty.  FIFTY!!!!  That's like 54 degrees warmer than it was yesterday when I got out of bed.  That's ridiculous.

While complaining to my mother about how terribly awful my life has become she gave me two options.  "Shelb, you either need to start exercising more or get some anti-depressants to get you through the winter."  The last time I took those pills I walked around like a zombie and cared about nothing.  I stopped taking them and swore I'd never take them again.  It was like they took all of my powers to think and feel and turned my insides to mush.  I don't know what's worse... being apathetic about everything or believing that I have nothing to live for except 30 Rock and wine.

So I opted for exercise.  I'm crazy enough without the pills.  Today I got up at 4:55am and went to the gym.  I hate spinning on a stationary bicycle in a room with a bunch of sweaty smelly people I don't know and there's nothing worse than running around in circles on the track.  But, it will release some serotonin in my brain and I keep telling myself that it will lift my spirits, just wait for it.  I will leave this pathetic sloth-like slumber before spring hits, I promise.  I'm going to listen to Tom Petty now and think of flowers and sunshine and palm trees.

wine weekends & marrying myself...

i've discovered this artsy girl on youtube... i don't know her but i kind of feel she's put a bug in my mind and is articulating many of my thoughts in her creative little videos... this video will lead into what i'm about to write about so be sure to watch it...

This past weekend I went on a trip up north to wine country with some co-worker/friends of mine.  We sipped, we laughed and we talked about things I cannot even think of publishing on this blog.  And yes, I managed to watch an entire season of 30 Rock. Yes.  My heart still belongs to Kenneth but after this weekend, I heart Tracey.  I haven't been this addicted to sitcoms since Cosby Show reruns in college.  Don't judge me.

Anyways, one of the topics that seemed to keep popping up this weekend was one I would like to refer to as "the unisexual" conversation.  Don't look it up on urban dictionary because their definition is less than satisfying.  I just did it.  Anyways, as you can imagine the on-going discussion on being unisexual was mostly non-sense as we asked ourselves questions like: "Do you think it would one day be legal to marry yourself?"  Really the conversations we had about unisexism have nothing to do with what I'd like to say tonight.  The video just reminded me of the ridiculous things we talked about as she talked about marrying herself.  It got me to thinking... 

And now... I think it's time to marry myself...

I'm not saying I don't like men or that I think I've been disappointed and heart broken too many times so I am giving up on the idea of sharing my life with someone at some point.  What I want is to appreciate what I have today and not get too cynical about what I don't have.  I want to figure out how to be alone and realize that it's better than waiting for a call from some tall dark handsome man with a Spanish accent.  I don't want to waste my time being tricked by the idea of happiness, while missing out on the greatness of what's in front of me.  I am learning how great it is to try new things and do the things I like without worrying if I'm making a mistake or if someone might not approve.  It's been freeing and I like it.  I think the video girl articulated it better than I have.

Dear andyradorfman,
Thanks for reminding me how important it is to go on bike rides and love myself and that life is about making mistakes and learning from them.
-me

a better way... [thoughts from a dissilusioned social worker]

Feliz Dia de Los Reyes Everyone!

So anyways, I was having coffee with a friend last night.  We talked about a lot of things like confusion, sex, buying new jeans, immigration reform, dumb people, refugees and vandalism on Wealthy Street before brushing the snow off our cars and heading home three hours later. At one point he asks me what I think about the recent things happening on Wealthy Street.  I respond by asking him how we're supposed to do community development in a way that it actually brings positive change.  We talk about it for a while and come up with few concrete ideas about how to actually do it in a way that doesn't create more segregation and division.  We only agree that bringing in fancy hip businesses is not necessarily the best way to combat poverty.  Then I get home and remember something I forgot to tell him, so I send him a g-chat message and in that conversation I find the answer to all of our questions.  Music.  Discipline.  Empowerment.  El Sistema.  Check it out.  I've decided to write a letter to the the United States.  It goes like this:

Querido Estados Unidos, 


Venezuela should be an example of how to combat poverty.  Welfare and establishing fancy businesses in the ghetto are obviously not working too well for us... just saying.


sincerely yours,
a disillusioned social worker

I love this Gustavo Dudamel Fellow

"si amas algo, tienes tiempo, tienes mucho tiempo..."

See him this weekend at Celebration Cinema North.  Sunday 5pm.

staying home and forgetting things... and falling in love...[blissfulness]

So a couple of months ago when I realized I had accumulated a sufficient number of vacation hours, I promised myself to take one whole week off from work during the infamous holiday season.  At first I dreamed of getting away and escaping the madness of my everyday life.  Those dreams went sour and I quickly discovered the beauty in staying home.  And this is what I did...

i slept angelically, buried deep in a cozy mess of fluffy blankets and pillows

i cleaned the pantry

  my dear beloved pantry,

i am sorry i let that nasty mouse

     poop on your shelves

and die on your floor

         and rot in the trap

   and smell up your chamber

forgive me

     hold me

                love me

  let the weight of my groceries,

pots and pans...

            be like a warm embrace

on a cold winter night

                        i love u

then i went back to sleep or at least pretended to

i painted a shelf

    this took several days.  i mean between napping and sitting around and falling in love with geeky sothern men (next photo) i had to do each project in stages.

liz introduced me to the new love of my life

 and the rest of my vacation was spent dreaming of him & loving my pantry & my shelf & my fluffy blankets...

who wouldn't?  i mean really...

i also called a plumber who fixed a leaky pipe, 

which cost all of 23 dollars and 61 cents

 & i watched some more 30 rock

& i hung out with sara

& laughed with sara while peter laughed at us.

& i slept.

& ran. & cut my hair.

i made soup & bread that failed to rise.

all the while, i forgot i even had a job...

then sunday came & i did the following...

i covered my windows in plastic

and realized

that having a week 

where the world

revolved

completely

around

me

was     exactly      the     most    perfect     week

and then on monday in the car i spilled 

coffee and had a temper tantrum... 

i actually pouted.  

out loud. 

i am 30.  

how ridiculous.

retrospectivation... [positivity]

So today I had yet. another. awesome. SUNDAY.  They tend to be that way when I spend time with a few particular individuals, namely Lindsey M., Sarah S. and Libby S.  And if you're wondering, yes, I only drink tea on Sundays with women whose names start with either L or S and all have the same debit card as me.  Because of the 'holidays' we haven't been able to unofficially have our cup of tea on Sundays for a few weeks, but today I was lucky enough to hang with la lins.  Anyways, our friend Dave the photo man posted on fb a picture of an enormous ham he was putting into his oven, so we decided to invite ourselves to partake in its piggilishishness.

little piggy

We also ate goat cheese mac and drank wine and had a scintillating conversation about 2010, which Lindsay decided was a necessary topic to discuss and got me to thinking retrospectively about 2010's greatness.  I also promised the dog I'd take her for a walk one of these days.  Ghani is charming and a lovely little thing I must say.

she isn't even annoying when she begs

So here are a few of the things that made 2010 noteworthy, exceptional and great... in no particular order...

11. I bought a house.  Today I decided it should be called "the lucky house" because I'm obsessed with Tom Petty's song Something Good Coming and I'm convinced good things will continue to happen in this big barn shaped house of love.

2. I've found beauty and profound significance in building intimate friendships with people who don't believe the same things I do.


9. I discovered a new sense of freedom to be me... whoever that is or is not... and started learning that I should be ok with who I am no matter what sex, race or nationality... 

1. I realized more how great it is to be friends with my mother.

6. I turned 30 with some of the most cherished women in my life.


3. I saw a porcupine.


10. I began to understand how important it is to not think everything is so black and white.  It's ok that things are grey.


4. I spent 3 blissful weeks in the Dominican Republic with old friends and got to ride on motorcycles again... not to mention I got one taken away by the AMET for not wearing a helmet.  That. was. a pain. in. the. butt.


8. I began loving my job.

5. I ran a 25k and a half marathon.

7. I've made some really great new friends.

12. I played on a teeter totter, and ate ice cream and made dinner with my sister.

just over the hill... happy new year...

HOPE FOR THE NEW YEAR, THANKS TO MY FRIEND TOM
let's all just try to believe...

that there's something good coming...

that there's something lucky about this place...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSvlJe1mwlw&feature=channel

ambiguous things...

"Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious.  But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious."

- some genius person

black & white

i am 

                       coming 

to terms 

                                       with the fact 

           that most 

                            things 

                           in 

                         life 

                                                          are neither 

black 

nor   

                                                 white... 

they... 

              are... 

                          just... 

                                      plain...                                                                                                                                                            grey...

and i just discovered that this color can acceptably be spelled with either an "e" or an  "a"...  thank you google, i am now clear on one thing...

assholes followed by amazingness...

Today I encountered an asshole.  I then went running to find some endorphins.  

Just when I had nearly lost all respect and hope for humanity [please note underlined section] I came home and discovered... once again... that my roommate... is... amazing...  please note, she is female... i credit about 89% of her amazingness to the fact that she is of this gender...  the following is documentation of what I found when I got home this evening after dealing with assholes and sweating them off at the YMCA...

                                
                  Exhibit A: she understands that at certain times it is simply unacceptable to wash dishes...    

                                                               

         Exhibit B:  when she bakes something for something, she always leaves some on the counter...

                                     Exhibit C: Lord God Almighty could this get any better???

Just when I had nearly lost hope that there was any goodness left in this world...  I discover folded laundry and chocolate... a slight bit of hope has been restored thanks to you roommate...

comiendo la 's' [reflexiones]

Can't sleep.

Thinking about life and change and trying new things.

the view was worth it

 










I miss the Dominican Republic and being with Dominicans.  That's why I eat my s's.  Paul once said that he became like the people that surrounded him in order to win them over.  It helped the people he was with to feel more connected to him and understood by him (I think).  I kind of lived by this in the Dominican and this kind of living sort of came naturally to me.  I felt that if I talked like the people and lived (as much as a gringa could) like the people, I would be able to form more meaningful relationships with those that surrounded me.  Maybe I took it to the extreme when I lived in that little shack on the mountain with no bathroom and no kitchen (see photo).  After all most of the people I spent time with had bathrooms, showers and kitchens in their homes.  The rats were the worst.  I'd take peeing in my backyard with the cows and bucket showers over rats any day.  Sometimes I think about not eating my s's since most people around here don't.

While thinking about life and reflecting on the past three years I have discovered a deep sense of thankfulness.  I moved here three years ago (around this time of year) and the thought of being thankful one day for that move and all that came with it, was quite a foreign concept.  But I am.  I am thankful for losing, because with it I gained more than I ever would have otherwise.  I actually think I would have lost more had I not lost what I did.  I've been challenged in ways I never would have been.  I've gained new friendships.  I've been able to reinvest in old relationships.  I've gained new perspective, insight and understanding.  I've learned to think differently.  I get to hang out with my mama and talk to her everyday.  I gained a freedom to become someone I like and don't feel I have to become something I simply am not.

hmmm...

Seminary has a habit of requiring us to integrate Biblical truth in our research papers.  Without exception I unexpectedly find myself being re-grounded by the scripture I scurry to find to support my point or argue the validity of another person's theory.  Having it be assigned, is sadly, the only way God finds a way to speak to me.  Scripture is powerful.

reminded...

"I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 3:13-14

Facebook Confessions... get your matches, nails and shards of glass cuzz we need a HUELGA

11.4.2010
As of late I have become painfully aware of my addiction to facebook. I will shamefully admit that I have no idea how many times I check it daily, with hopes that someone, somewhere, regardless of whether I have talked to them face to face in the last ten years or even ever met them, posted something interesting or witty either on my wall or somewhere else in the space of facebook so that it lands in my newsfeed. I confess that I more than often find myself wracking my brain to find the most comment worthy status update. It cannot be normal that my brain has started to think in "status update" format.

During the three years I lived in the Dominican Republic I witnessed several huelgas (strikes). These huelgas were usually in response to some unfulfilled promise by some corrupt political figure. I don't pretend to understand politics so I won't even begin to try to explain why they were striking. Besides, I don't really remember. Anyways. Usually the entire country would go on huelga and no one would go to work. It was usually a great excuse to go to the pool. The school I worked at would probably still have held class if it weren't for the nature of these huelgas. Now, in the United States when people go on strike they make big colorful signs and shout on street corners and outside of buildings. I've noticed this is a very helpful way to bring about change. In the Dominican Republic however, they set things on fire in neighborhoods and throw sharp objects in the streets. No one can go anywhere, not necessarily because there is a huelga, but because their tires would go flat trying to get to their destination and they might run into the middle of a pile of tires that had been set ablaze by some drunkards "standing up" to injustice. This I found was also a very effective way to bring about change. You might note that I went to the pool on days like these. You're probably asking yourself how I got there. I live life on the edge ok people. I wasn't afraid of a potential flat tire. They only cost about 30 pesos to fix, which at the time was equivalent to less than 2USD.

Now, what does my facebook addiction and huelgas in the D.R. have to do with anything important? Nothing really, I was just thinking of them both at the same time. Now I am deciding to quit facebook for an undetermined amount of time. You should too. The other day my mother said to me, "Don't you think people will eventually stop using facebook?" Hopeful, I said, "I dunno, maybe." Maybe if I have a facebook huelga, then others will stop using it too, and eventually, like my mother predicted, people won't use it as much anymore and we'll start having more meaningful social interactions with people we actually know... face to face... take that book! Ok, that was dumb.

geraniums, UFO's and summer's end

8.19.2010

I have a roommate. She and I moved into a little second floor apartment with a balcony on the west side about a year and a half ago. It was winter. She brought several dead plants wondering if I could revive them since I "know about plants." I told her several times that the prickly brown, dried up, unidentifiable tree looking thing was incurable. But there it sat in our kitchen for weeks. I'm not sure if she thought maybe it would come back to life in my presence or if for some reason it was just too hard for her to part with. So one day I finally threw it out the window, making sure it wouldn't strike anyone on it's way down from the second story. I now realize it would have made for a better story had it hit someone. The geraniums she gave me, were however a success. The secret... they still had some life in them. I wish I had taken a picture of the three pathetic seed geraniums still in their little plastic pint containers. I planted them in a pot, kept them in the house during two winters and now they are thriving in their third summer. Anya and I are amazed at the geraniums. Maybe I am more than she. I put them in an old pot that looks like it was for draining pasta. I like it even though I'm not too fond of geraniums. The colius you see next to the geraniums are enormous now. Gigantic and beautiful actually.

I've been thinking lately about my upcoming trip to Beaver Island. It's become Schofield tradition to take a vacation there every year and somehow I have been blessed with an ongoing invitation to join. Actually, I was invited once. I'm not sure who decided I would tag along every year. Anyways, this will be my third Labor Day with them.

At the island we pretty much do whatever we want all day every day. We take naps, eat cookies, read books, marvel at the loons, ride bikes, go running, sew, do crafts, sit in the sun, go to town, things like that. But no one is obligated to do any of those things at any particular time. It's quite marvelous. I am ready to leave behind Grand Rapids to revel in a few days with absolutely no obligations and no deadlines. The only thing that saddens me about Beaver Island is that somehow in my mind it always marks the end of summer. I will inevitably leave the island with mixed feelings. I suppose though if summer must come to an end, there is no better way to say farewell then by spending a relaxing long weekend with dear friends on a little island in Northern Michigan.

running, flowers & Isaiah 61...

8.15.2010
Tonight I went running. While running I usually think about a lot of things. Tonight I was thinking about a lot of things, as usual. I tried thinking about what I could put on this blog and there were a lot of ideas. I think I might start with flowers.

Almost three years ago I returned to the U.S. from Nicaragua. I had lived there for a year and a half and prior to that in the Dominican Republic for 3. After a couple of months of being here I realized I wasn't returning any time soon so I needed a job. I was slightly overwhelmed by the idea of applying for a job so when my mom found out I could possibly work at the greenhouse I was relieved. I was going through kind of a difficult time to say the least, and people kept telling me that working with flowers might help. I rolled my eyes in response to what seemed a ridiculous concept. As if deadheading flowers and sticking cuttings into dirt all day was going to heal all of my wounds and make me happy. Looking back though I realize they were right. Watching things grow from nothing but a tiny seed or a little leaf into a big, colorful plant does incredible things for the soul. After working in the greenhouse for a couple of months I started working at the Home Depot garden center where the plants are sold. There I discovered that sometimes plants look dead, but with a little care they can be resurrected. So it has been my hobby to bring home a few almost dead plants now and then and bring them back to life. It's always amazing to me.

Before moving back here a friend of mine gave me this drawing. The idea has stuck with me ever since and the flowers remind me of it almost on a daily basis. If you ever come to my house in the spring or summer you'll find old buckets and other types of containers used as flower pots. I try to put only half dead plants in them so I can watch them grow and come back to life. I like the analogy my friend gave and I like reminding myself of the truth that God can make something lovely out of what might seem to be useless and unattractive. He has a way with bringing something beautiful and good out of unfortunate circumstances.

One of my favorite passages is Isaiah 61, which is a promise that God will give us beauty for ashes and joy instead of mourning. It also says that we'll be like oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. This passage comes to mind when I see the flowers in those old buckets, when I'm watering at Home Depot and when I see dried up and seemingly dead flowers come back to life. It's like what God does in each of us and in our lives. Thanks flowers for what you've taught me. Thanks Micandy for giving me this gift. Thanks Ili for the drawing. Thanks God for using nature to help me understand life and how you work. Thanks friends for sticking with me as I figure this all out.