So over the last several weeks I have ate dinner (sushi, lebanese, mexican & other varieties), gone to Chicago, ate lunch, walked around, climbed the Sears Tower (in an elevator), danced some merengue and bachata, drank some wine and other adult beverages and some other things. After consulting with some close friends about these events they informed me that the majority of these activities were dates. I think they base their conclusions on the fact that I have spent little to no money doing any of these things and they usually involved someone of the opposite gender driving me around in their car. I would like to think they are simply activities done with generous men pursuing a fraternal friendship with a cool girl. However, I'm beginning to think that's a slightly unrealistic perspective.
Without going into too much detail and context I would like to share a little bit of what I've learned from these so-called dates and some other non-date encounters with men I refused to give my phone number to but was willing to dance with. I feel the lack of detail and context provide room for you to use your creative imagination. Now, if you are reading this, hoping to get some advice on dating, you should know that average (whatever that is), gringo men never express any interest in me so my experiences are limited mostly to men from Latin America and me, a gringa. I don't know how white men flirt with women, nor do I know exactly what Latina women like or find acceptable. I kind of think of this as a soccer tournament of sorts, thus the titles found below.
Honduras vs. Mexico - 0-0 - many attempts but no goals
10 Things that should not happen within 2 weeks of knowing a girl you might want to see again... including things that should never be translated into English...
10 - Text her once. Then, after she hasn't responded within 10 minutes, text again by saying "hellooooo?!?"
10 1/2 - Say, "que tienes?" whenever there are moments of silence that last more than 11 seconds... this is terribly annoying for introverts and people comfortable not talking
9 - Be over the age of 30 and talk incessantly about losing your temper, disrespecting your supervisor and almost getting into a physical fight.
8 - After buying her a couple of drinks and dancing a few songs with her say, "you be my girl now"
7 - Fart audibly and then, after she calls you a COCHINOOO!!!! (pig in Spanish) say, "it was the sushi just think about something else"
6 - Beg her to stay all night to keep you company after only knowing her for a week. This indicates that you are lonely and pathetic.
5 - Have a blanket on your bed that has a huge panther on it and show it to the girl proudly.
4 - Say you love your television.
3 - Never, ever say things like "you have delicious lips" in English. These types of one liners can only be said in Spanish, unless you are hoping to be laughed at.
2 - After hearing her speak in Spanish with a Dominican accent say (in English), "Where u from? You sound like Dominican lady. I always dream of being with Dominican lady. With you is like all of my dreams coming true." This might have been flattering in Spanish, but probably not.
(insert drum roll)
1 - Say, "I want you to have my children." This is only acceptable after love and long term commitment, such as marriage, has been determined between both parties.
Venezuela vs. the rest of Latinoamerica 2-010 acceptable things to do and say within a few weeks of knowing a girl...
10 - drive a foreign car
9 - invite and pay
8 - say in Spanish, what obviously should never be said in English
7 - offer to help her with home projects/chores such as lawn care
6 - be very interested in what she does for work/leisure
5 - have a really good sense of humor: combination of dry, sarcastic and really random
4 - have fun/creative ideas for activities
3 - be comfortable with silence
2 - tell the girl she is cute, in such a way that you also acknowledge the beauty in her friends
1 - talk about how brilliant and put together women are and how you cannot possibly understand why they are still not ruling the world, while making it very obvious that this is not a pick up line but truly something you have contemplated
Well, that concludes this edition of the Panamerican Dating Tour. Stay tuned, as much has been left out and much is yet to come and much has been eliminated and edited. Questions and comments may be left in the comment section of this post on this blog. Further detail, context and explanation of certain material is strictly limited to certain parties in order to protect the audacious, bold and shameless Latin men involved and their egos.