Saturday, February 25, 2012

an addendum [for big daddy] - not sucky at all

A friend of mine who would like to be referred to "big daddy" in this entry brought it to my attention that a statement I made in my "32 to 32" blog post was not only inaccurate but extremely offensive.

I would like to offer my sincere apologies to anyone who might have read the statement about last year "sucking" and thought, "Jeeeez girl, I was a big part of your life last year and I remember it being nothing but awesome spending time together! What a little ho-bag!"

I'm sorry. I am a ho-bag. :(

Sometimes we allow the few consecutive sucky situations cloud our perspective on life. I'm pretty guilty of this sometimes unfortunately. 

Honestly, 31 was a good year. Let's think about 13 (31 reversed) reasons why. Most of them had something to do with you and other friends that may not even know my blog exists.

1. BIG DADDY - My hours got cut at my permanent job just when flower season entered its prime and that meant that I spent hours upon countless hours with BIG DADDY. I can honestly say that he's one of my favorite people. Not many people can make grouchy me laugh, smile and really turn a sour mood into a happy, goofy mood. But he can and it doesn't even matter if it's raining, hot, cold or even if the flowers are dying because some moron didn't water them. Big daddy sent me the following pictures, which were proof that 31 was by far not at all a sucky year.

2. Similar to 1... FLOWER SEASON. I got to do this job so much and it really made my spring and summer inexplicably awesome. 

2. New friends - There were a lot this year... you know who you are and hopefully how much I've enjoyed getting to know you. 

3. New experiences and challenges.

4. Road trip to NYC with Stacey. (post 1/post 2)

5. Spending almost a week with sister.

6. Discovering the urban dictionary, which should take credit for the majority of the knowledge I've obtained about certain subject matters over the course of the last 12 months, not to mention provided countless hours of laughter.

7. The microphone app on my phone.

8. The translator app on my phone. "Johnny has big. hands."

9. Fried food and milk shakes.

10. Getting to work at the greenhouse all the way to January.

11. Trips to Chicago.

12. Fun and unexpected adventures.

13. Getting a living room (which will occur in less than a week), before turning 32.    


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

comic strip premier

Well, I found the drawing program I've been searching for and as a result I have only read one article about immigration policy in two hours.

Lucky for you, I created the first of a series of comic strips called "the mischievous adventures of ralph e. free"


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

pinterwhat, agave, 6,000

Ya ya. I joined pinterest. It's like a plague. My mom's friend told me I could organize stuff that I like on there. I replied, "err duh that's what bookmarking is for..."

I'm not gonna lie, bookmarking is the most annoying feature in my browser. In theory I think it's a great idea. In reality, I have bookmarked about 3 sites in my entire internet life.

So anyways, I was recipe browsing at work the other day (it's work related don't be jealous) and thought, "hmm maybe I can organize recipes on that dumb pinterest thing."

So I opened an account.

And it was like a freaking explosion of eye catching crap.

And I already have like 8,544 followers and I know about seven of them. How does that happen?

I don't get it.

It does not seem organized at all it just seems like this giant mess of crap that people like to look at.

I only wrote this because I wanted 8 more hits so that I can say that there have been 6,000 views on my blog.

I'm going to paint my living room this color.




p.s. I bought the Pitbull Album today. Best thing ever.


  of 2012 

so far.

just sayin'

Monday, February 20, 2012

32 in 32

Hello readers and lovers of my blog. I write you today to make an announcement. In exactly 32 days and a few hours I will be turning 32. It's going to be monumental. It's going to be epic. 

In the words of Barney Stinson (HIMYM), "It's going to be, wait for it, le..., wait for it, gendary."

Hey Barney...

More to come on how you and I and 32 others are going to make this year fun, different, interesting and better than last year, which was to say the least, sucky, yet interesting and quite fun at the same time.

Buh bye 31.

Hello, 32!!


Just so you know, the first thing I'm going to commit to for 32, is to listen to Edward Maya ALL. THE. TIME.

And Pitbull.

And I'm also thinking about incessantly posting all of my workouts onto Facebook via the Nike GPS APP on my phone, cuz everyone wants to see how many days in a row I can run six miles at a 10:30/mile pace.

So impressive. 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

pixie - my new favorite blog

I discovered this blog a week or two ago while searching for an appropriate picture for the post about people waiting for me to upload a new post to my blog.

I love this blog because she tells her little stories with drawings, which I would like to do more often but can't seem to find a decent program for this macbook.

The one I have shuts down every three seconds and I have to start drawing all over again.

Anyways, check out her blog.

Just click on any of her drawings I have posted below and they'll take you to her blog.

Monday, February 13, 2012

love this!

There is just something about this song that should make everyone want to smile and dance.

And this one too.

some people were...

I really need to start my comic strip series because I feel like the majority of my posts would make really good comic strips.

Anyways, yesterday I was hanging out with my mom and her friend Kathy. We made some cookies and looked at cookbooks.

Mama got irritated with me on the way over because I was not listening to her as I had to focus on the blog post about good things coming and uploading it on my iPhone.

Did I tell you I can post from my phone?

Yes. I did.

Anyways, since mama kept talking about how rude it was for me to be on my phone and not talking to her, the following conversation took place.

mama: "She's always talking about how people should have real conversations and she's sitting there on her dumb phone not even listening to a word I say."

me: "Um, it's a smart phone, ok. Plus, I had a deadline I had to meet."

mama: "A deadline? For your blog? Are you kidding me."

me: "Look lady, there are people out there waiting, pining, to read my blog."

mama: "Yeah. Right. You really think people are just sitting by their computer waiting for you to post on your blog?"

me: "Duh."

Kathy: "Actually some people were. But then she stopped posting all of a sudden. So now they don't as much anymore."

mama: "Seriously Kathy, you really just sat around waiting for her to post on her blog?"

me: "See. Deadlines."

"a day without one of her blog posts is like a day without sunshine"
--unknown reader of "Habia una Vez"


Welp, I guess I should go do that homework that's due in 23 minutes.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Tom Petty is a LIAR

So remember last year around New Years when I wrote some sappy blog post about how I was convinced that something good was coming after I heard Tom Petty's song?

Well the year sucked on many levels but I kept trying desperately to think that something good was coming despite the fact that it seemed like something unfortunate was occurring much too often for comfort.

I remembered the song this morning while scrolling through iTunes along with all of the hopes I had for a great year ahead.

And I thought out loud, "dammit Tom you big fat liar. Last year sucked!"

Let's be honest it wasn't so bad. There were a lot of great things: two roadtrips to NY, a free work trip to NYC, getting laid off (yes that was unquestionably the single most positive thing that could have happened work related), etc. etc. etc.

So just as I was about to curse Tom all afternoon I thought, well maybe he didn't mean in 2011.

And then, I opened this fortune cookie that I found on my mother's kitchen counter...

Ladies and gentlemen, good things are to come... just gotta wait

Thursday, February 9, 2012

millions of thoughts lost outside cyber-space / passion

No. I didn't drop off the face of the Earth. Just cyber-space. I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately and have a lot of great stories to be shared.

I just don't know where to begin.

One thing though, is that I'm constantly thinking about what kind of important thing I can do with my life that will matter, to someone.

Here's a video to get you feeling the same way.

Monday, January 23, 2012

the blogger app

So I just discovered that I can post from my phone... now I don't have to remember stories until I get home and have time to type them up on my comPUTA...

Here is a photo for your viewing pleasures...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

a nearly full moon & nothing good happens after 2am

The most important lesson I learned in 2011 was that nothing good happens after 2am, and that we should all just go to sleep by 2am. I didn't realize that's what I had learned until the other day when future Ted put things into perspective for me. Thanks Ted.

Ted, thinking "You're welcome Shelbs"
So the other night (Saturday) I went out with my friend Jenny. We were going to meet up with another friend who I will refer to as "Dreads" at some point during the night. We both really thought we wanted to go salsa/merengue/bachata dancing so we went to the usual place, which is usually lame these days.

Saturday was no exception.

When I realized that I was going to be followed around all night by a former client asking me about green cards and offering to buy me drinks, I refused to stay any longer. There was also a lady there wearing terribly tight jeans that appeared to be worn with a g-string on the outside. Yucky. I also found it quite amusing that a Napolean Dynamite type dude was tearing up the Latin dance floor in his super dorky rocker bottom sneakers very similar to the ones pictured below.

Bizarre. Things were getting very bizarre.

So we left.

We drove by another Latin dance club but were scared to go in because we weren't sure if it was shady and we didn't have any body guards with us.

So we opted out and met Dreads at another venue, which I assumed was some low key sports bar where I could get some french fries.


A girl I used to work with was doing coat check. Surprising but beneficial because she also watched my purse.

Minutes after we got there, drama broke out in the bathroom. Girl fight, get me outta here.

Then a guy I later found out I went to high school with, who claims to be a politician in Chicago (this is why he is not on FB) made some seemingly flattering comments about my hip and butt region. We both reminisced about our days as "Trojans," but I somehow forgot to tell him my favorite "Trojan" story, the "Your mom shoulda used a Trojan" story. Ahhh another day.

Then a fight broke out halfway into our drink and we all got into my car and headed to the bar that's open until 3. By "we all" I mean the politician and his friend, Jenny, Dreads and myself (the d.d.).

There I ran into a friend who informed us that another friend just left to go to the place we were afraid to enter. We would have had a body guard after all.

Then someone dropped their beer, which went crashing to the floor shattering into at least a dozen pieces. 

Then a fight broke out.

So we went upstairs.

Then more people were being escorted out by the bar body guard guys. 

Shady. But for some reason we stayed.

Despite all of the shadiness and drama, we had a good time and Jenny finally got to dance a little.

We called it a night just before three and everyone was tucked into their own beds in their respective homes.

Except well, the guys from Chicago. They disappeared halfway up the stairs to our final destination.

We still can't figure out if Dreads is Jamaican or not. He claims to be but when asked to speak with a Jamaican accent he said he lost it because he's been here nine years. Even with the Jamaican flag on your wall, not convinced buddy.

The entire night I kept reminding myself that "nothing good happens after two am..." 

I extended the two am rule to three but and as long as none of the drama was directly related to me, I can sleep peacefully.

The rule for 2012... NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER 2AM and always be extra careful when there's a full moon.

Monday, January 9, 2012

smokin' hot & a glowing ball of awesome... a letter of gratitude

I couldn't wait to get home from the Y tonight to post this. I mean, I almost just quit my strenuous workout of leisurely walking around the track to come home and type this up. But I didn't. I did however send a text to my mother with everything I needed to remember from the conversation I am about to share with you so as to not forget a word of it.

I would like to write this post in the form of a letter addressed to Herb & Sab(my parents), because let's be honest, this couldn't have happened without them.

Dear Mama and Daddy,

I know you're not together but I'm still going to write this joint letter. I'm not sure which address to send it to but I'll worry about that later. 

Tonight at the gym I was walking rather slowly around the track, not even breaking a sweat. My back hurt so I wasn't running as usual. But that's beside the point. Anyways, mid stride some very tall giant-like man, possibly in his forties, strutting a weight lifting belt, which I believe was for the purpose of holding up his ginormous belly, asked if I would stop a second so he could tell me something. I figured maybe he thought he knew me from somewhere or something, so unassumingly I stopped and allowed him to continue.
And this is how it went,

giantmanbigbelt: "I HAVE to tell you something and you may be offended or think I'm totally out of line but I have to say it. You can hit me if you want."

me: "uuuhhhm, ok, let me get ready..." (putting up my hand as if to get ready to slap him across the face)

giantmanwithbigbelt: (pointing to his left cheek) "Right here."

I then gave him a look to indicate I was ready for him to continue.

giantmanwithbigbelt: "You are HOT."

me: "uhhmm uh, ok. thanks?? :/

giantmanwithbigbelt: "I just, you are, there is just something about you that's extremely attractive. You don't even need makeup. You are just naturally very beautiful."

me: "um, thank you." 

giantmanwithbigbelt: "bla bla bla you are so beautiful and unique blabla bla."

me: "well, thank you. (awkward smile)"

walking away

giantmanwithbigbelt: "Now don't let your ego get too big now young lady!"

me: "ok"

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Shelb why are you writing us a letter about this?" Well, I just thought I would let you know how thankful I am that about 32 years ago you held hands for a second, which lead to my birth. I mean if it weren't for the two of you, who would I thank for being so smoking hot?

Also, don't be alarmed if I start selling photos of myself to pay the bills. Don't worry I will be fully dressed.

I guess urban dictionary was right.

Anyways, I hope you both know how much I love you and appreciate you. I mean how else could this glowing ball of beautiful awesome exist if it weren't for you?



p.s. I have also been getting a fare amount of compliments about my butt and hips these days, so thanks for that too.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

my future in the gran manzana

Remember when I went to New York City twice last year? I had a realization today while I was swimming about that incredible city.

2011 marked a NYC year for me. 

First, I discovered 30ROCK and became besties with Liz Lemon. She just understands me. I mean the woman makes me laugh until I am in tears and she has a terrible time with men. I miss her. 

Then I went to NYC for the first time since I was 14 and LOVED it, even though it was hotter than hell, smelled like garbage and a married Cuban man at the conference put the moves on me. I get that in G.R. though so I felt right at home. I had coffee with Liz Lemon and ate fried rice in China Town with Tracy Jordan. And someone told me that there is no green in NYC but believe me there is, right by the Hudson River. No bathrooms but there are bushes to hide behind at 3am.

Anyways, then while procrastinating, which I am doing now, I discovered Mad Men. Yet another tv show I was instantly hooked on and uncoincidentally takes place in NYC. I watched all five or six or however many seasons there are during my first month of unemployment. There is always a character I connect with. I can't stand waiting until the show starts up again to see what Peggy is up to.

Thirdly, I went to NYC again. The epic and unforgettable road trip of 2011. Despite the mishaps with parking tickets, impounds and roaming up and down central park avenue for hours... I still left the city in love.

Then, right as the year was about to end... I discovered How I Met Your Mother. And in less than a week I have watched three solid seasons.


What does this all mean? I don't watch television but the three shows I have somehow been united with are all set in NYC. It's a sign. I have this sense that if I were to move to the city I would drink a lot, be overwhelmed with all of the office affairs at my new job, laugh a lot and have a group of best friends that I do everything with. And they would all be single and it would be glorious. I would also walk a lot and save a hell of a lot of money on car insurance, car payments, parking tickets, speeding tickets and body shop repairs for dinging up my car while looking at things like homeless men trying to hide their stupid sign from the police sitting behind me. I am never giving another dime to a person claiming to be homeless again.

Call me heartless.

Now I just need to find a television show about Dominicans living in NYC and it will seal. the. deal. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

based on a true story: part I: the cleaning lady

So last weekend was Christmas. I spent some time in the Lansing area and would like to highlight a few memorious moments. Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

A few days before Christmas I was contracted by my mom's friend Sandra to clean her house. Her daughter Roshanda and I went out the night before and I was so tired the next day from the lack of sleep that I had to take a nap on the side of the road. But that's beside the point. But what is not beside the point is that they called me while I was napping and they were driving on the same road as me and only a couple of miles ahead. So they pulled over and Roshanda drove me to their house while I gave her a lesson in how to drive a manual shift car and played LMFAO as loud as possible. I didn't get the hint that she had a headache when she said, "Aren't you hungover? Don't you have a headache?" I just said, "Oh, no, I'm just severely nautious."

Here is some dialogue from cleaning day:

Me: "Oh hi Frank, you are a lot cuter than the last time I saw you when you were 8." (to Roshanda's brother who I babysat a few times)

Me: "Where are those cookies you were talking about?"

Sandra: "They are in the pantry, help yourself."

Me: "Do they have butter?"

Sandra: "Nope!"

Me: "Perfect. Do you have any toast?"

20 minutes later doubled over the kitchen counter...

Me: "So, I think I'll start with the bathrooms."

Roshanda: "It would be nice if you just started."


Frank: "So how rich are you guys that you can afford a white cleaning lady?"

Sandra: "Ok we're going to go out to dinner, we'll be back in a little while."

Frank: "Where should I put the nanny camera?"

They all returned a little while later and found me sleeping on the couch.

I allegedly missed some dust under the television.

Sandra threw some money at me and I put it in my pocket.

Sandra: "Just like a good hooker!"

The end.