Saturday, July 30, 2011

office news...

About a year ago the higher powers at work decided that we needed to relocate because we had outgrown our office space.  

You all remember the map I made of my office.  Where I sat in a corner behind a door and beneath a coat rack and the only thing I had going for me was a cup of Biggby coffee. You remember how every day more people were added to our small office and every day I felt less productive and overstimulated.  And it would be hard to forget the day I dropped the "f" bomb.  

So anyways, it took me approximately six months to get my desk behind a door... a few more months for a phone... a few more months for a desk without a pole in the middle of of... and a few more for business cards.  With each of these achievements I felt great pride and a little more important and valued.

But none will surpass what I am feeling about the following...










And I have an orchid.  So it doesn't matter that I'm only promised work until the end of the fiscal year.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

pet elephants & going to church for social reasons

Lindsay and I went to the movies today.  I was ok but she was overheating so we needed AC.  I cried so much she wanted to hold my hand but thought I'd think she was creepy.  

She was wrong.  

Hopefully next time she'll just hold my hand so I can settle down a little.  Who would have thought an elephant would have made me cry so much?

I want a pet elephant.

The other night since I quit facebook, I spent a couple of hours looking for a pet dog on the internet.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have one to walk and cuddle and pet.  I want this little (big) guy more than any other physical thing in the universe right now...  I think he might bring me what I really want... 

On another note, I received a call this morning from my mother.  She texted me at 6am and needed to talk to me urgently.  At 7:30 I woke up and replied.  She then called.  Apparently she felt she needed to apologize for telling me she had planned out my entire future -- as if I had taken everything she said seriously.

[She and her friend Kathy have allegedly been planning my future. I will move to Colorado with them and they will find me a husband.]

I laughed.

Then I laughed some more.

She couldn't leave her house until she talked to me about this, which is funny since she does have a cell phone.

Then she says, "Well, since we're being so honest I guess I better tell you something else."

Me: "uhhh, what are you talking about?"

Her: "Well you know the other day when I wanted you to go to church with me?  Well ok, there's this girl that cut my hair the other day and she is your age."

Me: "What's your point?"

Her: "Well, she has a boyfriend."

Me: "What's your point?"

Her: "Well, she also has a friend."

"So basically that's why I wanted you to go to church with me for social reasons."

Me: "Oh for crying out loud.  Get a life lady.  You big fat liar. I am never going to believe anything you say to me ever again.  I knew it was weird you wanted to go to church."

Her: "Yah, well he has blonde hair so I told her you probably wouldn't be interested anyways."

Just for the record, none of that conversation was taken in seriousness.  Although Sab did feel bad that she kept telling me she was planning my future, because she thought it was going to make me feel like I can't plan my own.

Yeah.  I need a pet dog.  A furry one.

Friday, July 1, 2011

tearing up the sheets, lemon wedges and fecal matter

I don't really have anything interesting to say so I'll share a texting conversation I had with my mother the other day.

me: [picture sent]

me: what the heck!!! How long should nice sheets last?!? My 3 year old sheet just shredded into pieces when I put my foot into bed!

mama: Apparently they last three years. But yeah, that is messed up.  I have had sheets that are over 20 years old and they never wear out.

me: ridiculous

mama: Maybe you should not file your toenails into razor sharp points.

mama: omg I am still @ work getti g ate alive I gotta go

a couple of days earlier...

mama: my gosh I think there is a good chance I have frozen to death

me: wow, you are the first dead person that has ever texted me.

mama: hellllooo?  don't you think there is texting in heaven?

me: well, I didn't until now.  it's like you didn't even die, this isn't as awful as i imagined it would be.  can you also get rid of your stuff from up there?

mama: hmm in a study of 76 lemon wedges ordered in restaurants in drinks, they found 25 different microorganisms including e coli and fecal matter

mama: sure, there is Ebay in heaven as well.

mama: 25% of restroom soap dispensers are contaminated with fecal matter

mama: oh god, two thirds of shopping cart handles had fecal matter

mama: wtf is it with all this traveling shit???

me: i'm going to throw up

mama: well u should assume fecal matter to be somewhere in the vacinity of the toilet

me: people wipe their ass and don't wash their hands and they always use their gross nasty fingers to grab your lemon slice instead of the pinchers

mama: i am never leaving my house again

me: ya right

mama: i just played a game on the aarp website

me: was everything magnified?

mama: now that I think of it, it was pretty large print.  OMG!

me: go back to playing bingo granny