Sunday, January 2, 2011

smells & good lies... some tips for the fellows... [Panamerican Dating Tour]

Let me just clarify that I wasn't trying to date anyone last night while visiting the salsa bar but I'm sure there were some men who would have liked to leave with a phone number or two.  Let me also say that a good night to go out and see only about 9 human beings is January 1.  Apparently even though it was Saturday night, everyone thought the seven flakes that fell from the sky were reason enough to stay in.  Or maybe they all just had really bad hang-overs.

Anyways, to my point.  I was sorely disappointed last night, not only with the fact that only 9 people were at the salsa bar but mostly because it seems men have no idea how strong a sense of smell women have.  I was also slightly annoyed by the presence of a certain individual mentioned in previous posts, who farts and might have expressed an interest in fathering my first child and doesn't seem to know how to delete my number from his cell phone.  Ok back to the smells.  I would like to give the gentlemen some inside information on how to NOT impress the ladies.  First, let me explain something I learned in one of my master's level college courses.  Women have a much stronger sense of smell than men.

So here are 3 easy ways to NOT get a second dance, phone number or date with a girl...

1. Wear perfume so strong she nearly gags.
2. Fail to apply deodorant and also cause her to nearly gag by the smell of your body odor.  P.S. Covering this up with strong perfume is definitely a no no.
3. Have bad raunchy breath.

Now let me at least give some of you credit by saying that if you have a great and genuinely charming personality or some highly attractive feature (ie. good sense of humor, nice smile, etc.), one of the above mentioned flaws could be overlooked. 

A Good Lesson Learned... Lying about your Relationship Status
In some circumstances lying is more than acceptable.  I'm not one for lying but last night I discovered the beauty in it.  After years and years of responding honestly about inquiries of my relationship status, I tried lying about it.  It came so easy I don't know why I hadn't tried it before...  

bad breath boy: so are you married? 
me: no
bad breath boy: do you have a boyfriend?
me: yes
bad breath boy: so why isn't he out with you tonight?
me: he's sick
bad breath boy: oh, ok

This response made the whole relationship status conversation so much shorter and less awkward.  Usually they go like this...

some guy: so are you married?
me: no
some guy: do you have a boyfriend?
me: no
some guy: oh why not?
me: umm, i dunno because i don't know any i am interested in dating
some guy: i could be that guy
me: umm, ya i don't think so
some guy: go home with me
me: ya right
some guy: have my babies
me: whaaatttt??  did you just say?!?!?!?!
some guy: you are beautiful
me: um ya thanks
some guy: you have beautiful eyes
me: um ya thank you

ok you get the point...

1 comment:

  1. just think, you would have missed all this if you had been married at 22. you would just be writing about stuff like "she wrote on the wall" or "i made a new dress for the baby", or "we went sailing while liz and brian babysat our 10 kids", stuff like that.